PEANUTS HERE: ABOUT THOSE MILESTONES

It was a great weekend in baseball for milestones, we hear. Alas, we did not have the good fortune of witnessing any of them, for we were dragged invited to a Dave Matthews concert in Hartford on Saturday, and despite no longer being in high school, we obliged and went along. (Hey, it wasn't all that bad!) We did not get back in front of a TV until 2 a.m., sadly, when we watched on SportsCenter a very bizarre Barry Bonds' post-game press conference, where he spoke glowingly about Hank Aaron, Alex Rodriguez, and Tom Glavine; it may have been the cerebral, but for at least that moment, he came across as a pretty gracious fellow.

Anyway, we were back in our apartment last night, in time to see a few innings of the Mets/Cubs game. It was the bottom of the 7th and it looked like the Mets' bullpen was about to blow the game for Glavine -- you could feel the tension! Glavine's soaw wife couldn't sit still! -- but Aaron Heilman (we think) slammed the door on all that, and then Mets went on to cruise to a 8-3 win. So we offer our congratulations to Glavine, and all that.

ABAGAIL CLANCY IS SOAW

Via Kickette comes this photo of Abagail Clancy, (former?) girlfriend of English soccer star Peter Crouch. Yes, we realize it was quite the weekend around baseball -- and we'll get to it later today with our "analysis" -- but there's no easier post on a Monday morning than this, and unlike The Champ, as he is prone to do, we weren't about miss this lay-up.

WE WOULD . . . GEMMA ATKINSON

Between Lucy Pinder, Michelle Marsh, and now Gemma Atkinson, we guess you could say we have a thing for British glamor models. Atkinson has been huuuling with Manchester United "star" Cristiano Ronaldo, and has also reportedly bedded Ronaldo's teammate, Alan Smith. So, you know, she's our kind of girl. More pictures of Gemma here.

PEANUTS HERE: BASEBALL MILESTONES ARE ANNOYING

So, yeah: another day gone by, and all three of these "baseball milestones" remain unmet: Barry Bonds, creeped out by two guys painting themselves black; Tom Glavine, done in by a shitty bullpen; and ARod, who's not going to get another hit all season. Every year, it seems, baseball fans are bombarded with all these silly stats, which are updated on the hour, every hour, until one landmark or another is reached. All other games are suddenly considered unimportant, so much so that in the middle of a hotly contested match up between two teams fighting for first place in their respective divisions (Cubs and Phillies, last night), it is perfectly acceptable to cut away to a meaningless at-bat by a guy (Bonds) on one of the worst teams in baseball; or an at-bat that may result in a home run that will probably be followed by over 200 more in the guy's career (ARod); or an inning-by-inning highlight of a guy who's going for a "milestone" that 21 people have already reached (Glavine).

Granted, the all-time home run record is arguably an exception, as it is the greatest single record in all of sports (ed. note: we couldn't care less); but when it comes to these other milestones, really, who cares? They aren't even records, they are random statistics that become suddenly worthy of our attention because they end in two or three zeros. Maybe ESPN gets off on these moments, but for Cubs and Phillies fans, well, they got . . .

-- Tommy Gunz

JUST WHAT THE REDSKINS NEED: ANOTHER OLD, EXPENSIVE, OVER-THE-HILL "STAR"

Michael Strahan seems like a nice enough guy -- even after going apeshit on that poor ESPN reporter last season -- but we wish he would just give it a rest already about this whole retirement thing. Really, we just want him to make up his mind, either way, and then get back to a) playing football, or b) figuring out a way to get back all that stuff his wife sold at her garage sale a few months back. When healthy, of course, Strahan is one of the best DE's in the NFL; but two of the past three seasons, he has played in only 17 of 32 games. Apparently, that doesn't cause much concern for Daniel Snyder:

Owner Daniel Snyder likes Strahan after watching him battle his team in the NFC East, team sources have said, and should Strahan become available, the Redskins could become a suitor.

This has Bruce Smith circa 2000 written all over it, no?

THE REASON WE WATCH THOSE STUPID MTV SHOWS

If you are still wondering why we are such big fans of The Hills and Laguna Beach, then look no further than these pictures of Kristin Cavallari, or these of Heidi Montag. God cannot think thank Hollywood Tuna enough. No contest between the two, really: Kristin wins in a landslide. August 13th, The Hills premiere! We hope to have a preview of the new season coming soon, if Bagger still has hopes of revitalizing the sinking ship that is his blogging career.

NOT REALLY DONOVAN'S WIFE

When we first saw the headline, we thought: no fucking way. This is Donovan McNabb's wife? Then we realized the last name was off one letter, and that no way in the world could Donovan pull a chick as soaw as Mercedes McNab.

LOST SEASON 4 PREVIEW

Via Fark comes this "preview" for S4 of Lost, one of our favorite shows. If you watch this clip closely, at about the 1:08 mark you can see the words "God loves you as He loved Jacob" flash across the screen. As is the case with all these "clues" that the writers keep throwing out there, we really have no idea what any of this all means. Hey, only six more months until the next episode!

WE HAD NO IDEA KG'S WIFE WAS SO SOAW: MORE 1ST RATE TRADE ANALYSIS

Though the addition of Kevin Garnett has created much fervor in the city of Boston the past forty eight hours, it remains to be seen how the rest of the Celtics team will be constituted. It seems as though the C's may often have to play with two hands tied behind their back unless drastic changes are made. (We now have faith in Danny Ainge!) Reports have surfaced (ed. note: we have no clue if this is true) that Boston "coach" Doc Rivers said the Celts are "very interested" in Dikembe "Who Wants to Sex" Mutombo, and that they are also pursuing P.J. Brown, Michael Ruffin, Calvin Booth, and Scott Pollard. Apparently Bill Cartwright, Greg Kite and Michael Olowokandi were unavailable. One thing we are definitely looking forward to this season, for sure, are the gratuitous shots of KG's soaw tasty wife sitting courtside.

-- Tony 2 Hours

T2H'S TV REVIEW: MY SOAWS

Though we have never actually seen the show, the concept behind “My Boys” seems like the most ridiculous idea for a TV series ever. Basically the show revolves around one soaw (Jordana Spiro) who is best friends with like 15 Tonys and none of them try to even huuul with her at all. They are all content to be friends and drink beers and play poker and listen to her jabber about being a sportswriter. We assume the producers must be saving the episode called "One of My Boys Buys Me Twelve Shots and Then Tries to Pound" for sweeps season.

-- Tony 2 Hours

WASN'T THIS A MOVIE BY THOSE SOUTH PARK GUYS?

Like every other red blooded American kid, we played baseball growing up, and by the time we reached high school, we were no longer an exceptionally strong hitter. One time, our coach asked us if we were swinging with our eyes closed, and, sadly, we weren't quite sure if he was kidding or not. Perhaps we should have tried our luck at the National Beep Baseball World Series:

In essence, a player -- pitched to by a sighted teammate -- has to detect the beeping, softball-sized ball, strike it and then race toward a buzzing base, reaching it before a fielder manages to grasp and control the beeping ball, having been alerted by its sound.

As in golf, spectators must be silent during the action, so that players can hear the sounds -- and hear any warning from sighted helpers that players are heading for collisions.

We say, forget that wretched Home Run Derby; this should totally be the All-Star Game festivities from now on.

ALEX RODRIGUEZ WILL FOREVER BE STUCK ON 499

Getting Soaw "contributor" Bagger was at The Stadium last night for the Yankees' slaughtering of the White Sox. Not only was he at the game, but he "had access into the area where [the players] walk out of the locker room," though we're not quite sure what that means, because we have never before had such a privilege. Astonishingly, Bagger did not get a single picture of ARod giving Derek Jeter a neck massage. In fact, he didn't get any pictures at all. For shame.

Anyway, the Yanks were unkind to Chicago, slapping them around to the tune of 16-3. They tied a franchise record with eight home runs, though Alex Rodriguez was not allowed to join in on the fun. He is 0-17 since hitting career home run No. 499. Poor guy. We feel like he will be stuck on that number for quite a while longer, or maybe his whole career, even.

PEANUTS HERE: DAVE LITTLEFIELD IS AN IDIOT

Ok, in our personal effort to start following baseball more closely, we present this installment of our daily "feature," lamely titled "Peanuts Here." (We'll see how long this lasts).

In his effort to maintain the high level of futility he has exhibited thus far in his career as a GM (i.e., trading away Jason Schmidt, Jason Kendall, Sean Casey, Aramis Ramirez, and Chris Young for nothing in exchange), Dave Littlefield has made yet another mind boggling move at the trading deadline. This time, he decided to take Matt Morris (and his 7.94 ERA since mid-June) off the San Francisco Giants' hands.

Despite Morris' craptastic numbers, the Pirates agreed to pay the rest of his 2007 salary (over $10M), a ridiculous $9.5M in 2008, and a $1M buyout in 2009, at which point Morris will be approaching 35. Add all of this to the fact that the Pirates are not even close to being a playoff contender, and we have no choice but to believe that Dave Littlefield hates winning and loves causing misery to the fans of the Pittsburgh Pirates. And though the guys over at Honest Wagner say they actually like the deal, we found this "reason" pretty delightful: "5. I have not witnessed the recent struggles of Matt Morris. Ignorance is bliss. He comes to me with a clean slate." Ignorance is bliss, indeed.

-- Tommy Gunz

JUST HAND HIM OVER TO THE YANKEES ALREADY

We were scrolling through Dan Shanoff's "a.m. Quickie" (that name give us the heeby jeebies) today when we came across this quote from Twins ace Johan Santana re: Minnesota's lack of a trade-deadline move:

"I'm not surprised. That's exactly how they are. That's why we're never going to go beyond where we've gone."

"It's not just about hope. In a realistic world, you have to really make it happen and go for it."

"You always talk about future, future. ... But if you only worry about the future, then I guess a lot of us won't be part of it."

"Why waste time when you're talking about something that's always going to be like that? It's never going to be beyond this point. It doesn't make any sense for me to be here, you know?"

Looked for a Twins blog for some fan reaction, but didn't really find any; this does not look so good for Minnesota, though. The best pitcher since Pedro Martinez was in his prime is essentially a) asking for a trade; or b) leaving via free agency after this season. If we weren't so lazy, we might actually look up which one it is.

BREAKING: ALBA MORE SOAW THAN BIEL

Though we are disappointed with the results, all the votes have been counted (121!), and our readers have declared Jessica Alba more soaw than Jessica Biel. The final tally was 70-51, and it was never really in doubt, as Alba hovered around the 60% mark most of the time.

They are both legit 10s, obviously, and there is no real point arguing over which one is hotter. We just have a thing for Biel, we guess, and wish she had won, even if she did agree to participate in that whole "Who's Now?" nonsense.